Question:

> Ok, now I want a kitten again. > :-) ))))

heh she is no kitten … her royal furball is about 10 or so.. but she still gets "zoomy" after every poop

Response:

no matter how many times i give up on myself.. my > family and friends don’t give up on me. > am i strange to sometimes be angered by this?  i mean i am grateful to > be blessed by a few good friends, and people who care, > but there are days when i feel i HAVE to go on for them.. even when i > see no reason to keep going for myself > does this make sense? or am i nuts?

Dear shoshanah (spelling?) This is just a theory, but I think it applied to me at my darkest times.  I wanted other people to give up on me so I could die with a clear conscience. I knew that dying was easier than living because it took less energy.  I was angry with anyone who felt I was worth the energy to save.  This forced me to make an effort on their behalf to live and if there’s anything I didn’t want, it was any kind of effort. Make sense? Spiderwoman

Response:

makes perfect sense – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > no matter how many times i give up on myself.. my > family and friends don’t give up on me. > am i strange to sometimes be angered by this?  i mean i am grateful to > be blessed by a few good friends, and people who care, > but there are days when i feel i HAVE to go on for them.. even when i > see no reason to keep going for myself > does this make sense? or am i nuts? > Dear shoshanah (spelling?) > This is just a theory, but I think it applied to me at my darkest times.  I > wanted other people to give up on me so I could die with a clear conscience. > I knew that dying was easier than living because it took less energy.  I was > angry with anyone who felt I was worth the energy to save.  This forced me > to make an effort on their behalf to live and if there’s anything I didn’t > want, it was any kind of effort. > Make sense? > Spiderwoman

Response:

>my doc just had to raise the does of my paxil.. >i have been on so many drugs..a nd none seem to work for very long.. >so what happens if i try all the meds and none work? >how can i go on with life like this?

Shoshana My pdoc started trying combinations of drugs.  Currently I’m on Prozac and Wellbutrin.  This works much better than either one alone.  Don’t loose hope yet, there is still plenty of rope left. tropeau

Response:

thank you i suppose i’ll try for one more day.. and then more more day after that… take care.. s – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->my doc just had to raise the does of my paxil.. >i have been on so many drugs..a nd none seem to work for very long.. >so what happens if i try all the meds and none work? >how can i go on with life like this? > Shoshana > My pdoc started trying combinations of drugs.  Currently I’m on Prozac and > Wellbutrin.  This works much better than either one alone.  Don’t loose hope > yet, there is still plenty of rope left. > tropeau

Response:

>hi anne, >yea i have a cat.. a sweet little furbaby. >she follows me around my apartment more then a dog would… >everyplace a go her little paws go pity pat after me.

Ok, now I want a kitten again. :-) )))) >i *think* i feel a bit better on the higher dose of paxil.. i’ll just >have to see what happens.

yeah, patience with this stuff is hard to come by when the going is so rough. >the funny thing is.. no matter how many times i give up on myself.. my >family and friends don’t give up on me. >am i strange to sometimes be angered by this?  i mean i am grateful to >be blessed by a few good friends, and people who care, >but there are days when i feel i HAVE to go on for them.. even when i >see no reason to keep going for myself >does this make sense? or am i nuts?

No, this makes perfect sense to me. This is one of the reasons that I never told anyone how bad off I was. I didn’t want to be stopped.  And I knew that if they knew, I would have over 50+ people converging on me like a dark horde.  I mean my family is so "controlling" that when I left their religion they actually discussed having me kidnapped via deprogrammers.  And I was in my late thirties and married at the time!!!!!! (welcome to Anne’s skewy world.)  :-))))) So the thought of them deciding my FATE (oh, better have her committed till she dies a natural death!!!) was very FEARFUL for me. But after I got some hope, and decided that I might get better … well THEN I told them. And sure enough, rather than keeping it the adults, at least two of my siblings told their kids. They used the kids AGAINST ME!!!!! What I mean is … I couldn’t look at their concerned faces and not want to get better.  I was really TICKED at my family for pulling that on me.  Because they didn’t understand what I was going through, they didn’t understand how I would want to hurt someone like that, and it was so controlling and manipulative in MY eyes.  It put an added responsibility on me that I just didn’t think I could live with. But I gotta tell ya … one of my nephews, he crashed and burned after *I* did.  So there we sat like two veggies playing Nintendo for hours and hours, totally content and wondering why the rest of the world didn’t "get" it.  :-))))) Just the two of us lost in our little game.  It was the only time I felt a moment of happiness during some of those dark days. His mother used to tell him, "Get off your lazy butt and if you aren’t going to do anything go over to your Aunt Anne’s house."  Which he gladly did … used to spend the weekends with me.  It was the only time I felt like making dinner.  :-))))) So at the time I was really angry. But looking back on it now … I’m glad I had someone to help me to hold on. And that’s why although I understand your anger …. I still want you to have a reason to hold on.  Cause it is oh so hard and every little bit helps until you can hang on strongly by yourself. Does this make sense??? >thank you for your reply

I’m enjoying myself.  :-))))) >(((anne)))))

hugs right backatch hon’.  :-)))))) Anne — For info about this service, see http://www.twwells.com/anon/ or e-mail:

Response:

> Sorry you are feeling so bad.  :-((((( > Would it help any to talk about something about YOU??? I don’t mean > anything deep.  I mean just stuff like do you have a pet???  Things > like that???? > Love you, > Anne > who gave up trying herself so many times that I hate that you feel > like this … :-( ((((

hi anne, yea i have a cat.. a sweet little furbaby. she follows me around my apartment more then a dog would… everyplace a go her little paws go pity pat after me.   i *think* i feel a bit better on the higher dose of paxil.. i’ll just have to see what happens. the funny thing is.. no matter how many times i give up on myself.. my family and friends don’t give up on me. am i strange to sometimes be angered by this?  i mean i am grateful to be blessed by a few good friends, and people who care, but there are days when i feel i HAVE to go on for them.. even when i see no reason to keep going for myself does this make sense? or am i nuts? thank you for your reply (((anne)))))

Response:

my doc just had to raise the does of my paxil.. i have been on so many drugs..a nd none seem to work for very long.. so what happens if i try all the meds and none work? how can i go on with life like this?

Response:

>my doc just had to raise the does of my paxil.. >i have been on so many drugs..a nd none seem to work for very long.. >so what happens if i try all the meds and none work? >how can i go on with life like this?

Sorry you are feeling so bad.  :-((((( Would it help any to talk about something about YOU??? I don’t mean anything deep.  I mean just stuff like do you have a pet???  Things like that???? Love you, Anne who gave up trying herself so many times that I hate that you feel like this … :-( (((( — For info about this service, see http://www.twwells.com/anon/ or e-mail:

Response: