Question:

If you have to question it then he or her is not the one for you!

Response:

>If you have to question it then he or her is not the one for you!

        That’s a little harsh.  People have doubts about their partner for many reasons, not all of them directly related to the relationship, as wacky as that sounds.  Maybe someone’s just having a bad day, or whatever.  The sensible thing to do is to give it some deep thought, preferably talk to your partner about your worries in an effort to find out if your uncertainty is serious or not. Ariane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –

Response:

How can you know it? Just because you are truely madly deeply in love? what about the statistics that every second marriage will get divorced? And when you marry the second time, how do you know it is right now, when you thought the same for your first marriage? My boyfriend asked me to marry him, and though I am sure he is the right man for me I keep wondering how I can know it and how I can be sure that we will stay together forever… Thanks for your inputs! Blue Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

It’s an age old question :) . For me, it was perhaps more difficult. We had both been married before, and were a bit marriage shy to say the least. What made me realize that he was the one was simple really, but complex too. Everyone has doubts and dreams about themselves. Things they need to accomplish, things that they are frightened of. I knew he was the one when I knew I was complete all by myself. I didn’t need him to fulfill me, but he did anyway. He allowed me to be weak when I needed to and strong when I wanted to. I’m a very independent woman, and it’s hard for me to balance the two sides. But with him, it was easy and natural. It was like a lightbulb. One day I realized that he was all the things that I said I wanted and needed in a man. All of them, down to the smallest detail. A little switch went off in my brain and that was it. I know it’s right now when it wasn’t before because of these things. I just have no doubts. When it’s right and perfect you know it in your heart. There is nothing I want to change about him, whereas in my first marriage there were things I hoped he would change about himself. That’s not true love. Because he also wanted things about me to change. If you have doubts, aside from statistical issues, then wait. Don’t say yes just because he asked. Saying no hurts less than a divorce. As an aside, divorce rates are higher amongst couples not involved in organized religion than for those involved in a church. I’m not pushing religion down your throat, but I think the reason this is so is there are not only moral issues involved in divorce, but there is a support system that so many of us lack today. Someone to turn to when you need help. If you and your boyfriend are church going people, this may offer some comfort against the horrible statistics. > How can you know it? Just because you are truely madly deeply in love? > what about the statistics that every second marriage will get divorced? > And when you marry the second time, how do you know it is right now, > when you thought the same for your first marriage? > My boyfriend asked me to marry him, and though I am sure he is the > right man for me I keep wondering how I can know it and how I can be > sure that we will stay together forever… > Thanks for your inputs! > Blue > Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

– replace nospam with cheri to reply via email http://www.geocities.com/wellesley/1784/

Response:

blue…      i knew jeff was the right man for me the first time i heard his voice (we met through a computer-dating-voicemail system).  something audibly clicked in my head.  my suspicions were confirmed when after our first date, he called me to let me know he’d gotten home safely.  the clincher was when he told me about a dream he’d had about seeing his wife 30 years down the road, with gray hair and everything.  he told me his wife in his dream was me. (this was about 2 weeks after we started going out.)  aside from that, there’s little things he’s done for me throughout our relationship that no other man has done, and he’s done them with no prompting from me as to what i’d like or want.  he just instinctively did them.  he still does. once in a great while, fate lets us have a glimpse along the path it has chosen for our lives.  it is these glimpses that make our lives so much more meaningful, and makes the universe a much more wonderful place. jen (& jeff) 9/19/99 red meat isn’t bad for you… fuzzy blue-green meat is bad for you.

Response:

Ditto that — about to forge into my second marriage and learned the below (Liz’s post) from the first — but learned it too late because I thought the "right man" would "just happen." Well, he didn’t! A friend of mine said the other day that marriage is like a t.v dinner — you get it because you really, really love fried chicken, the potatoes are sometimes good and sometimes bad, and the corn’s consistently corn. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Bah. I don’t believe there is a "right man" per se, only a "right love". > You commit to someone because you are focused on making it work for the > rest of your lives.Yes, love is a great part of that, but love doesn’t make > a marriage. Any of the married folks who post here will tell you that it > takes a heck of a lot more than love. > Liz > How can you know it? Just because you are truely madly deeply in love? > what about the statistics that every second marriage will get divorced? > And when you marry the second time, how do you know it is right now, > when you thought the same for your first marriage? > My boyfriend asked me to marry him, and though I am sure he is the > right man for me I keep wondering how I can know it and how I can be > sure that we will stay together forever… > Thanks for your inputs! > Blue > Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

> I am really confused by the idea that being married is supposed to be hard > work. The relationship I was in before I met my FH was such hard work and I > felt absolutely drained because I felt like I had to "try" so hard to make it > work. It was a constant struggle and I could not handle it anymore. When I got > together with my FH I was amazed at how I did not even NEED to try… we just > clicked so well and everything seemed to come together in such a way that it > seemed ridiculous to me that I wasted time with someone with whom I had to > expend all my energy "working" on the relationship instead of enjoying it. I am > not saying that things are absolutely perfect with my FH, but any time we > disagree or have a tough moment, it does not seem like "work" to me to discuss > any problem we have and move past it. I agree that being married will take more > than love, but I just don’t see it as work. The moment I start viewing our > relationship as "work" I will know that there is something wrong.

Well, I certainly respect your views, but I never stated that it was always hard work or a constant struggle. Just to clarify… I meant that it does take work, ie, "working things out" exactly as you described. (It’s just a matter of semantics.) The point was *that* is where the commitment lies, not just in love and faith. My husband and I rarely argue, and never yell. If there is some sort of conflict, we don’t go to sleep without coming to a resolution. In the next 50 or so years, we will go through a roller coaster of changes. That we will take every turn together, working through whatever comes our way, is the commitment we’ve made. I don’t view our relationship as "work", but just like anything worthwhile, it’s not always going to be easy. Liz – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> And in reference to the original post- if what you really want is fireworks and > sparks and all that, why should you settle? > laters, > jen (to brandon) > 10/2/99

Response:

> I was amazed to find that the gal who > was always first to volunteer for any trip, no matter where or > how long, was suddenly absolutely miserable in Florida because he > wasn’t there beside me.

"Now they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, And that tears are only rain, that makes love grow. But my love for you could never grow no stronger, If I lived to be a hundred years old." Ray Charles "Crying Time" Edward Internet Real Estate               "Sell Your Home Yourself – And Save Thousands!" http://www.internet-real-estate.com/

Response:

Bah. I don’t believe there is a "right man" per se, only a "right love". You commit to someone because you are focused on making it work for the rest of your lives.Yes, love is a great part of that, but love doesn’t make a marriage. Any of the married folks who post here will tell you that it takes a heck of a lot more than love. Liz – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > How can you know it? Just because you are truely madly deeply in love? > what about the statistics that every second marriage will get divorced? > And when you marry the second time, how do you know it is right now, > when you thought the same for your first marriage? > My boyfriend asked me to marry him, and though I am sure he is the > right man for me I keep wondering how I can know it and how I can be > sure that we will stay together forever… > Thanks for your inputs! > Blue > Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

>I think the deeply in love part has to be an > intellectual decision as well as a heart decision.  "Lust" will fade > over time but a true friendship will last.  

A friend of mine expressed the similar thought, "Love is a decision that one makes every day." — JF Please reply by post. I do not check this email account for messages.    http://www.newsfeeds.com       The Largest Usenet Servers in the World!

Response:

>Yes, love is a great part of that, but love doesn’t make > a marriage. Any of the married folks who post here will tell you that it > takes a heck of a lot more than love.

Well … as a old married fuddy duddy of almost 19 years and five kids … I can say that it "does" take more than just love … BUT, without a very solid foundation of love and devotion to each other … none of the other things it takes will have the staying power to make it through the tough times of marriage. Edward Internet Real Estate               "Sell Your Home Yourself – And Save Thousands!" http://www.internet-real-estate.com/

Response:

>You commit to someone because you are focused on making it work for the >rest of your lives.Yes, love is a great part of that, but love doesn’t make >a marriage

I am really confused by the idea that being married is supposed to be hard work. The relationship I was in before I met my FH was such hard work and I felt absolutely drained because I felt like I had to "try" so hard to make it work. It was a constant struggle and I could not handle it anymore. When I got together with my FH I was amazed at how I did not even NEED to try… we just clicked so well and everything seemed to come together in such a way that it seemed ridiculous to me that I wasted time with someone with whom I had to expend all my energy "working" on the relationship instead of enjoying it. I am not saying that things are absolutely perfect with my FH, but any time we disagree or have a tough moment, it does not seem like "work" to me to discuss any problem we have and move past it. I agree that being married will take more than love, but I just don’t see it as work. The moment I start viewing our relationship as "work" I will know that there is something wrong. And in reference to the original post- if what you really want is fireworks and sparks and all that, why should you settle? laters, jen (to brandon) 10/2/99

Response:

You can’t "be sure".  The best you can both do is to commit to working very hard at making it happen, every day of the rest of your life. You have to learn to compromise and to make the good times outweigh the bad in your own mind.  You also have to go into marriage with your eyes wide open and realize that you are marrying a person with faults that  will not necessarily go away just because you want them to.   Can You live with the person JUST THE WAY HE IS NOW, or are you planning that living with you for a while will turn him into the Prince Charming of your dreams?  Are you on your best behavior now, but planning on sliding into the self-centered, demanding behavior of your youth as soon as the reception is over?  You have to be a grown up to maintain a real relationship.  This means love, sacrifice, understanding, laughter, compromise, selflessness, communication.  Hard work?  Yes.  Worth it?  I’d say so. gloria p – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > How can you know it? Just because you are truely madly deeply in love? > what about the statistics that every second marriage will get divorced? > And when you marry the second time, how do you know it is right now, > when you thought the same for your first marriage? > My boyfriend asked me to marry him, and though I am sure he is the > right man for me I keep wondering how I can know it and how I can be > sure that we will stay together forever…

Response:

Well (and I am by no means a relationship expert!!) I waited for that sparks fly, fireworks in the air moment…and after three years with a great guy it never came.   He had brought up marriage since day one (he says he *always* knew) but I always blew him off.  Then it hit me for some reason on some regular Monday; He is a great guy, we want the same things from life regarding kids, jobs, etc., we’re best friends, he treasures me like no one else ever could – what in the world am I so afraid of??  So, just like that I wasn’t scared any more and I gave him the subtle green light to go ahead with elaborate proposal he had planned.  Now I have a gorgeous rock on my finger and a wedding on July 31 and I couldn’t be happier!   There is no guarantee that you’ll be together forever unless you make that commitment in your own heart.  As far as I am concerned, divorce is not an option; whatever struggles we come across we will work it out. It’s that simple.  I think the deeply in love part has to be an intellectual decision as well as a heart decision.  "Lust" will fade over time but a true friendship will last.   That’s just my $.02!!  :-) Good luck! Seas   – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > How can you know it? Just because you are truely madly deeply in love? > what about the statistics that every second marriage will get divorced? > And when you marry the second time, how do you know it is right now, > when you thought the same for your first marriage? > My boyfriend asked me to marry him, and though I am sure he is the > right man for me I keep wondering how I can know it and how I can be > sure that we will stay together forever… > Thanks for your inputs! > Blue > Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

As someone posted earlier, there are no guarantees in life.  I just know that for 31 years I planned to remain single all my life and concentrate on my career and my extended family.  Then I started dating Brian, and realized that I hadn’t been living those first 31 years at all – just existing with half my life missing.  The clincher for me was going away on a very short business trip (3.5 days!)  I was amazed to find that the gal who was always first to volunteer for any trip, no matter where or how long, was suddenly absolutely miserable in Florida because he wasn’t there beside me.  It got me thinking about the rest of my life, and what it would be like if we weren’t together.  It wasn’t a pretty picture – and it’s definitely not a future I want to contemplate.  We’ll have hard times over the years, I’m sure. But in the end, the one thing I know deep in my heart is that no matter what happens or how badly I mess up, he’ll be right beside me, and I’ll always be there for him. Christina

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> How can you know it? Just because you are truely madly deeply in love? > what about the statistics that every second marriage will get divorced? > And when you marry the second time, how do you know it is right now, > when you thought the same for your first marriage?

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