college/stressed

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Question:

Why is it that my son is the one who is starting his college admissions journey, and it is me who is stressed out about it? I feel like I need to motivate him somehow, but then I also feel like he’s old enough now to take responsibility and do this himself. But there’s so much riding on this. I just feel so stressed out right now and I can see a long road of strife between us ahead… Just venting, but will take any kind words or advice, Sarah E. Mom to Jack Julian and Lisa

Response:

> Why is it that my son is the one who is starting his college admissions > journey, and it is me who is stressed out about it? I feel like I need to > motivate him somehow, but then I also feel like he’s old enough now to > take responsibility and do this himself. But there’s so much riding on > this. I just feel so stressed out right now and I can see a long road of > strife between us ahead… > Just venting, but will take any kind words or advice, > Sarah E.

You’re trying to control another human being. It never works. And now you can’t even PRETEND that it does. Steve

Response:

but you know, there isn’t really so much riding on this. there are dozens of perfectly fine schools that are probably suitable to his needs and that will be happy to have him. maybe you are more concerned about being able to mention his ‘name school’ than he is about being there. seriously — it really just doesn’t matter all that much. in the worst case scenerio if he blew every deadline and had to either attend the local public university or go to work for a year, it would probably be healthier for his development and future than having mom riding him constantly — because SHE is so concerned about college admissions.

Response:

Sarah, First a big hug & you are not the first or last to feel this way. You are like any parent would be watching your child reach a new level of development. We encourage & applaud & sometimes even get butterflies in OUR tummies when they begin to walk, ride their first bike, start school, etc.. When they are up to bat or are in their first recital or enter a contest we hope they’ll be in top form & beam with pride when they are & hug them when they aren’t showing them we love them no matter what. You need to encourage him to relax, do his best and know there is more then one avenue to use for entry into college if, in fact, that is what he wants. Also, there are those who don’t make it on first try. No big deal, just take a brush up study course, & try again. Different strokes for different folks. Doing it all on the first try & getting into the best college comes easy to some, but many times not so easy & that’s extremely stressful on your son if he feels that is what he needs to do for you to feel proud. Perhaps, if you let go of the word stressed & re-label it excitement you can begin to enjoy watching his future achievements & accomplishments unfold. He is at a level now where you can help more with prayer &, of course, moms (& both parents) give a special breed of encouragement. Also, there really is not so much riding on this one test. Don’t put that pressure on either of you. It is just another facet in his growth & development & at this age it’s his turn to make the choice as to how much effort to put into it & if it doesn’t work out, so what? It may be disappointing, but it’s not the end of the world. Please don’t paint the road ahead with the color ’strife’. It’s not a color in vogue. It’s not a happy color. The road ahead is one of learning, making choices, making changes, growing mentally, emotionally & spiritually. It is one of making new friends, & learning to depend on yourself & being proud of whatever you do & loving yourself, being content. It won’t all happen overnight as a result of a college entrance test. It will be forever evolving & with many people it will involve changes many times over. You might want to have a talk with him and ask him if he’s excited, worried & what HE really wants to do. And listen to what he has to say. Good Luck to you both, Judy

Response:

It is very natural for parents to be stressed during the college application process because, as you said, "there’s so much riding on it". Parents who feel a college education is important, don’t want their child to miss out because he or she missed a deadline. We have been through the process twice, and I would give the following advice: 1. Be aware of the requirements and deadlines of each school your child is applying to. 2. It is especially important to be aware of any special requirements regarding the mailing of official transcripts, and even the applications themselves. 3. Outline steps and deadlines on a chart and post it in a conspicuous place in your home. 4. Set up a filing system in a storage crate dedicated to the schools. 5. Have weekly meetings with your son to see how far he is progressing, what can be checked off, and what still needs to be done. 6. If letters of recommendation are needed, your child should request these in writing to allow plenty of time for the teachers to prepare them. 7. If portfolios or essays are needed, your child should start working on these as soon as possible. 8. Attend all meetings at your child’s school regarding the application process. Good luck! Margaret – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Why is it that my son is the one who is starting his college admissions >journey, and it is me who is stressed out about it? I feel like I need to >motivate him somehow, but then I also feel like he’s old enough now to >take responsibility and do this himself. But there’s so much riding on >this. I just feel so stressed out right now and I can see a long road of >strife between us ahead… >Just venting, but will take any kind words or advice, >Sarah E. >Mom to >Jack >Julian >and >Lisa

Response:

Is it possible that you are living vicariously through Jack?

Response:

>Why is it that my son is the one who is starting his college admissions >journey, and it is me who is stressed out about it? I feel like I need to >motivate him somehow, but then I also feel like he’s old enough now to >take responsibility and do this himself. But there’s so much riding on >this. I just feel so stressed out right now and I can see a long road of >strife between us ahead… >Just venting, but will take any kind words or advice, >Sarah E.

Having been through this, I honestly think that the best thing you can do is just try to be there as a sounding board and friend. If you start with the nagging, he’s just likely to clam up. If you’re just there, he’s much more likely to ask for help and just talk. Sometimes we put our own stresses and expectations on our kids to the point where they just give up before they have started. I know kids who are terrified of earning less than an A, who are taking college boards over and over to boost their scores, and it’s really destructive. Take some deep breaths and remember that this is what you hoped he’d do — take care of it himself. And if he makes some mistakes, he makes some mistakes. If he can’t develop some enthusiasm for the college process, there is no way you can make him do it. Chances are he’ll be fine. Lynne

Response:

Sarah, To add to the good advice *and* kind words you have received so far: You are not alone. Set up a dinner or a meeting with other parents at your son’s school. Get to know his guidance counselor and don’t hesitate to call him/her if you have questions. And most of all, take a "partnership" attitude with your son instead of an adverserial one – after all, his future happiness is of concern to you both. Some things to keep in mind during the process: *SAT/ACT – how are your son’s scores? Has he taken either of these tests yet? If he needs to improve them, you might want to buy a book with practice tests, or even look into a solid prep course like Princeton Review *Researching colleges – get a book right away if you haven’t yet and look through it with your son (or just give it to him. He will probably be interested enough to read it). There are numerous books depending on what he is looking for – some are for offbeat schools, some are for private liberal arts, there are regional books, etc. Take a trip together to the bookstore, but try and stick with the reliable publishers – Fiske, Princeton Review, Petersons, etc. *Financial Aid – are you planning on contributing to college costs? You and your son need to sit down and talk about how things will play out. Is he going to work, are you going to apply for loans, is he going to apply for loans, is he qualified for merit scholarships, etc? Again, there are books on this, and also some good websites. About.com’s college section is good, Review.com has good financial aid info, and there are two newsgroups I suggest you subscribe to – soc.college.admissions and soc.college.financial-aid. I hope this is helpful and eases your stress a bit. Post again if you have more questions, Tammy

Response:

>Why is it that my son is the one who is starting his college admissions >journey, and it is me who is stressed out about it?

Maybe because you think it’s more important than it really is. Unless your son is planning on a rigid, narrow, fast-track career path, he has a lot of latitude to experiment and shop around. A mistake at this point will likely not be a mistake at all.

Response:

Why is there so much riding on this? If he makes a mistake in this, like anything else in his life, he will learn from it and move on. Not everyone goes to college right out of HS. I, for one, could have stood a year or two of gaining maturity before going off to college. I was 17 when I started, since I was 16 when I graduated HS. I followed the "normal" track to no great benefit of my own. I did fine, but rather than take advantage of all the learning opportunities available to me, I coasted and partied. A buddy of mine did not start college until he was 23. He graduated Magna Cum Laude in his field, enjoyed his studies and got the job of his dreams. Prior to going to school he worked. Some people thought of him as a screw up because he did what was right for him. I think college decisions are really important decisions. But they do not have to be life make or break decisions. Maybe it will be easier to not be stressed if seen in that light. Just a thought. S – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Just venting, but will take any kind words or advice, > Sarah E. > Mom to > Jack > Julian > and > Lisa

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Why is it that my son is the one who is starting his college admissions > journey, and it is me who is stressed out about it? I feel like I need to > motivate him somehow, but then I also feel like he’s old enough now to > take responsibility and do this himself. But there’s so much riding on > this. I just feel so stressed out right now and I can see a long road of > strife between us ahead… > Why is there so much riding on this? If he makes a mistake in this, like > anything else in his life, he will learn from it and move on. Not everyone > goes to college right out of HS. I, for one, could have stood a year or two > of gaining maturity before going off to college. I was 17 when I started, > since I was 16 when I graduated HS. I followed the "normal" track to no > great benefit of my own. I did fine, but rather than take advantage of all > the learning opportunities available to me, I coasted and partied. A buddy > of mine did not start college until he was 23. He graduated Magna Cum Laude > in his field, enjoyed his studies and got the job of his dreams. Prior to > going to school he worked. Some people thought of him as a screw up because > he did what was right for him. > I think college decisions are really important decisions. But they do not > have to be life make or break decisions. Maybe it will be easier to not be > stressed if seen in that light. > Just a thought. > S

couldn’t agree more — and contrary to what most parents seem to believe MOST colleges are not highly selective. a kid who isn’t interested in applying probably doesn’t belong at the high pressure institutions anyway — and there are dozens of colleges and universities many of which will fit him just fine.

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