Question:
Well, we’re married! And that really is the most important thing. I’m going to core-dump here, following someone’s example whose name I’ve shamelessly forgotten off-hand. (Sorry — and your core dump was interesting reading a few weeks ago.) You’ll probably get these a chapter a day for a while — it’s easier for me to write on the net and then download than to write offline and then upload, given my access. So this is the introductory chapter. I’ve sorta neglected to mention one major aspect of our wedding — religion — because I basically was afraid of getting flack at a time when I had too much flack on my plate already. (And I *still* hope anyone with different religious opinions doesn’t bother sharing them with me. I promise not to try to argue you out of yours, whatever those may be. If you’re not comfortable reading further, I’ve got a page or so of relatively non-controversial material coming up, so do feel free to opt out. Plunge Core Dump #2 should return us to more traditional topics.) <deep breath> Debnor & I are now Neo-Pagans, but we both come from conservative Christian backgrounds (Scottish Presbyterian & German Lutheran, respectively), and one of our major concerns was how to hold a wedding such that we could both sincerely take part in it, and yet it wouldn’t completely offend our parents. To make matters more complicated, our friends range from Christians to Pagans to Jews to atheists/ agnostics, and I really hoped we could come up with a service that all of them could feel basically comfortable with. The risk was that we’d end up offending everyone equally. That aspect went outstandingly, at least as far as we can tell. Debnor’s mother was characteristically reserved in judgment — when I asked her at the reception, she said she was still trying to get used to how *participatory* it all was. (His father was characteristically silent on the subject.) My father loved it, and I’m pretty sure my mother did, too. (They’re divorced.) And there was a huge amount of energy building — I’m quite confident that most if not all of our guests felt comfortable enough to really participate. Finally, our minister was originally apprehensive when we were going over drafts with her — we came up with easily the most complex wedding she’d ever done. But she did very well with it, and ended up asking for some extra copies of the Order of Service for her porfolio. She said it was the most conservative wedding she’d ever seen in a Unitarian Church! The key point is that it worked on various levels or was open to various interpretations (depending on one’s point of view). For instance, all Pagan rituals start with three steps to sanctify whatever space one’s in. We started our wedding (after we declared our consent to get married) with the same three steps, but done in a fashion that Christians could make sense of them within their tradition. We asked the congregation, in order to assent to witness our wedding, to get up and form a "circle of joy". While everyone was still standing in the circle, four attendants each invoked an archangel as Lord of a particular element. Conversely, the invocation of God was from the Christian tradition (a reference to the trinity) yet done in such a way that Pagans could make sense of it within their tradition(s). We ended up with: Blessed be God, our Father and Mother, the Light of the World, the Spirit Within. MAY YOU BE PRAISED FOREVER. (congregational response) I have to admit, we were a lot less concerned about our Jewish and atheist/ agnostic friends than our Christian families. But I figured that the response above was ambiguous enough — it doesn’t commit any one respondant to doing any of that praising. I hope it worked! Our service was definitely and inescapably a religious one, though. We also "exchanged the peace" — a part of the service that has become familiar to almost all (liturgical) Christians over the past few decades. We added an actual invitation after the tradtional exchange (Peace be with you all/ And also with you/ Let us greet one another in peace.) Again, we left the wording ambiguous enough that those who specifically wanted to pass the "peace of Christ" could — but those who prefer other forms of peace were welcome to pass that. Step One was asking a good friend of mine to marry us. She’s an ordained Unitarian minister and a Pagan, and she’s used to doing "merge" weddings. She was a fount of ideas (like doing the circle of joy). We also asked to use the Unitarian Church of Evanston, where she has a relationship with staff. It was a beautiful setting for us. Step Two was writing our own service (every word, although we did use the materials she provided and Christian weddings as bases) — and starting early enough. As we went over (yet more) drafts, we were weighing every statement from a variety of perspectives — especially anything we were asking our variegated congregation to say! Step Three was putting as much of that service as possible into the printed Order of Service that the congregation got. It turned into a small booklet, three pieces of paper double-sided and folded in half to make 12 half-pages! We also did a separate handout with the hymns and the readings in it. (My personal bias on this is that people pay attention much better if they can read along with whoever’s talking. The only things that weren’t written out were the sermon and the parental blessing!) Step Four was using the back of the Order of Service for "meditational readings" designed to introduce people to some of the concepts in the service (at our minister’s suggestion). I found a great book ("Prayers, Praises, and Thanksgivings" compiled by Sandol Stoddard) that pulled together a lot of material from different cultures. We were able to find some really neat Scottish prayers in particular, like one that says "For if Thou art my Father, Thou art my Mother too," thus introducing gender- inclusive language for God. (I have to admit, I haven’t heard anything about whether people read the page, let alone appreciated it, but I assume it helped!) Step Five was finding good service readings from a variety of religious backgrounds. We used a much abbreviated version of the story of Baucis & Philemon (the old couple visited by Zeus and Hermes, who are rewarded for their hospitality with long old age together and at the end of their lives, being turned into two intertwined trees), a lovely poem by Anita Skeen, and the story from the Gospel of John where Jesus turns water into wine. So we had a myth from Pagan times, a modern poem, and a Bible reading. We also used the images of being intertwined like two gnarled trees (an image I especially prefer over the one of two people fusing into one) and of being transformed (like the water into wine) throughout the service. (One of the advantages of writing your own!) Step Six was briefing our parents ahead of time. Debnor had already talked to his family about being a Pagan (although they weren’t too thrilled about the fact). But we wanted to warn my folks that this wasn’t going to be a Christian wedding, per se. (My father has learned one thing in the past few years — if he doesn’t want to know, he won’t ask. He closed off the discussion immediately, so I dropped it pending his questions. My mother was characteristically full of questions, on the other hand, ones designed to help her try to figure this stuff out.) Gotta go! Bye for now, and thanks again so much! If anyone is interested in more details because they want to do something similar, you’re welcome to e-mail me. — ,_ _ * * _ <<Life is what happens to you when / / / __. _, *__/ __. // __. you’re making other plans. / ‘ (_(_/|_(_)_(_|*(_/|_</_(_/|_ – Betty Talmadge>> /| * | * * an’ firefly * *
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > The key point is that it worked on various levels or was open to various > interpretations (depending on one’s point of view). For instance, all Pagan > rituals start with three steps to sanctify whatever space one’s in. We > started our wedding (after we declared our consent to get married) with the > same three steps, but done in a fashion that Christians could make sense of > them within their tradition. We asked the congregation, in order to assent > to witness our wedding, to get up and form a "circle of joy". While > everyone was still standing in the circle, four attendants each invoked an > archangel as Lord of a particular element. > Conversely, the invocation of God was from the Christian tradition (a > reference to the trinity) yet done in such a way that Pagans could make > sense of it within their tradition(s). We ended up with: > Blessed be God, our Father and Mother, > the Light of the World, the Spirit Within. > MAY YOU BE PRAISED FOREVER. (congregational response)
This reminds me a little of the Deryni rituals in Katherine Kurtz’s books. The people working the magic are all devout Catholics (it’s set in a fantasy medieval Wales; the Church is nearly identical to that in our history at the time), so any major working is necessarily a profoundly religious thing for them. They invoke the four quarters in the forms of the four archangels, and other such symbolisms that I (a Christian heretic myself) have always found to be a lovely, wonderful blend of what’s important about Christianity and Pagan traditions. I would heartily suggest that folks looking to create their own rituals read some of this stuff for ideas. -Rachel
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