Question:

Dear Mt, You bring up the opportunity of dealing with issues of difference within your intended (extended) family. Religion seems to be one of the areas in which there is a poor match. Every couple has areas of "imperfect" matching, and how they are handled is a large factor in the quality of the marriage. I do suggest you and your SO search out resources for dealing with your "divergences".  Religion is both a good example of one of your differences, and a resource of tools for dealing with divergences. Your message seems to me, to indicate your tendency to "see an attack, draw battal lines, retreat to fighting position". For the happiness of your marriage, you and/or your SO should learn how to work arround that. Rather than disagreeing with your intended inlaw, I would more than agree, it is past time for the two of you to be finding several churches in your area, a year before an intended date, is non too soon to begin working on the relationship’s dealing with the religion issue.  I would advise going to more than one church in each of three categories: a) your faith, b) SO’s faith, c) an inclusive faith that respects both your faith and that of your SO.  In each church, I would suggest asking to meet with the pastor, and couples with your faith background, to discuss how the couples have dealt with issues that come up.  Mt> I may be way off base here, but I was wondering if anyone else has  Mt> experienced what I’m going through.  My SO’s family is Catholic.  I  Mt> don’t think they go to church every Sunday, but they are definitely  Mt> Catholic.  I am Babtist (family from the South).   My experience has been that of the pastor of "c" above.  Mt> One day out of the blue one of the family members says to me "you  Mt> better get in touch with a church in your area soon.  It takes almost a  Mt> year to convert". So if you were sincere in being open to the possibility of looking into converting, you were being informed that time was running out, on that option.  That you chose to be offended by being informed, is a reflection that you are an arguementative person.   Now, let me back up a bit by saying that before I  Mt> got engaged I told my SO that I didn’t have a problem raising our kids  Mt> Catholic.  But in no way did I ever mention anything about converting.  Mt> So when I get this question I’m wondering exactly what she’s talking  Mt> about.    Mt> Upon further investigation I find out that his family just assumed  Mt> that I would convert.  Is this a common thing for Catholics to assume,  Mt> or am I right in my belief that they were EXTREMELY rude and  Mt> presumptious to even say that to me?!?  I wanted to say to his mother  Mt> "and right before I change my religion are you going to dye your hair  Mt> blond?"  What the hell, right?  One stupid question for another? Going out of your way to be intentionally stupid and rude, is not a good way to build a quality relationship with your intended extended family. But you have the instinct, and desire, to do just that. Your challenge is to use that positively, as a source for greater humility.  Mt> I am not opposed to looking into the Catholic religion and seeing if  Mt> it is something I would be comfortable converting to, but when I am  Mt> TOLD to do something it is a completely different situation!  No one  Mt> should feel the need to dictate to me how to practice my religion.  Mt> Both my religion and the Catholic religion are based on christianity,  Mt> so what’s the big deal and why is it (Catholicism) believed to be  Mt> superior to those who practice it?  Mt> Any similar stories or advice out there? Anyone doing marriage and divorce counseling has lots of similar stories, and perhaps a little advice. ___ Blue Wave/386 v2.30 [NR]

Response: