Chag haSemikhah I

Well, on Sunday I (along with a lot of other people) officially graduate from RIETS. See my name in the newspaper insert. Yay!
Yoreh? Yoreh!
Anyway, while Menachem Butler is busy finding and reading substantive material, Yuter and I are busy producing senseless drivel of our own. Here's an early example. There will be more -- trust me:

The RIETS Chag haSemikhah Drinking Game

Recommended Libations

While any type of kosher alcoholic beverage is allowed (sherry cask optional, and see below), we recommend the following:

• Single malt scotch if you interned in the 5 towns
• Blended scotch for Teaneck
• Bourbon for Brooklyn
• Non-mevushal for Sephardim
• Cheap schnaps if you're in chincuch
• Anything from the shul's "special stash" if you're in Rabbanus
• Soda if you were in R. Rosensweig's shiur (non-caffinated preferable)

If you're still squeamish, or an underage illuyi feel free to substitute the drinking for bingo cards.

Rules

• One sip for every "Torah U'maddah," two for "bringing wisdom to life" (or variants).
• For "ennoble" and "enable," finish your glass.
• One sip for every gratuitously meandering anecdote. Two shots if it's shvartza wolf.
• For each mention of the Center For the Jewish Future (CJF) put out a press release promising to coordinate the drinking a to-be-determined amount of a beverage to be named soon.
• One sip if a speaker loses his train of thought, four if it was intentional.
• When your Rosh Yeshiva is mentioned, take a shot, stand on a chair, and proclaim, "O Captain My Captain".
• If your Rosh Yeshiva is R. Reichman, take a shot and sing "yamim al yemei melech tosif".
• If R. Tendler is mentioned, take a shot of single malt scotch from sherry casks.
• Two shots for any mention of 'brisker'- one mitzad ehad and one mitzad sheni. Bonus: Give reasons for, against, and nafka minot as to if the person is really a true brisker. This includes any Soloveitchik.
• If Chaim Soloveitchik is mentioned, storm out of the room grumbling how the speaker wasn't really prepared.
• One shot for the mention of a current or former intern at the RJC or HIR. This includes the roll call.³
• Finish your drink for mention of a musmach that has already been put in herem
• One shot for every "Jewish leader" not working in the field. Two shots for each one that you know is in accounting.
• Light drinkers - one shot for every srugah. Heavy drinkers - one shot for every black suede. Finish the bottle if you see a bucharian.
• At the mention of smikha being 4 years, drink one shot for each extra year it took you to finish.
• Take one shot for every parasha derasha disguised as a speech.
• For each mention of Bernard Revel, drink 3 shots while banging on a drum.
• Shoutouts to visiting dignitary rabbis -- one shot.
• Shoutouts to a history of musmakhim in a family -- one shot per generation. Finish the bottle if this includes women.
• Shoutouts to members of the Aggudah -- two shots.
• Shoutouts to Sephardim -- three shots and do the "yilleleele" thing.
• Shoutouts to Habad -- double shot of vodka and perform an adaption Monty Python's dead parrot sketch.
• Shoutouts to YCT/HIR/Avi Weiss -- finish the bottle and hug the person to your right.
• At the conclusion, put your hands on the head of the person to your right and finish the bottle.

L'chaim!

1. Seriously, this actually happened.
2. Besides, it's not like it's Purim or anything.
3. This is our cleverly disguised method to make sure that we all end up plastered. Half the graduating class passed through one or the other.